It’s been a rough week. My foot is busted so my usual happy places of Yoga and long dog walks are inaccessible, and I’ve been going a little mad with nothing to do but sit and think about all that hasn’t gone the way I wanted. Needless to say, it’s not helping my mood. This morning is better, though. I’ve been sorting through my dad’s well-loved vinyl collection with yellow sun (no, really, sun!) glowing through the blinds and thinking – maybe I’m not afraid because I’m out of control. Maybe I am simply in awe because things are happening the way they were meant to all of a sudden and I can feel the wind in my ears as my life picks up speed again, hurdling through the universe, a streak of wild beauty in the morning sky.
I have never had a group of geographically concentrated, long-time friends, from primary school or sports or summer camp or whatever. I have many wonderful friends, but they are teachers and travelers and artists and passersby from all over time and space. They are absolutely lovely, and I have realized how blessed I am by such exquisitely strange and beautiful people loving and believing in me. Why would I want to dwell in my childhood from here on out? I have already been there, and it was nice, but we have other things to do.
I’ve felt so lucky to spend these past few days with my dad. We don’t always get along perfectly, but he’s opened his home and his time to me when I needed it more thane ever and it’s so comforting to know someone just loves me. It doesn’t matter that I’m crying and whining and making a mess and being a terrible listener, and just being terribly childish in general. I can still curl up on the couch with him and watch TV for two hours and feel the same quiet solace I did as a little girl, like everything is as it should be and I am OK, just because he’s there. I’m lucky to have a man like him in my life.
I am grateful for my mother, who loves me so fiercely that sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough to hold it all. But I am, because she made me and she is one of the strongest people I know. She isn’t perfect, and neither am I. We don’t have to be each other to belong together. I am lucky to live in a world with someone as inspired and dedicated as her.
I have the most wonderful, sweet, adorable goofball of a dog I’ve ever met and I’m lucky to have her in my life, too. I woke up in one of the most beautiful places on Earth today. There is beautiful music in my life and countless opportunities to share it. Pumpkin spice cupcakes exist, which is a plus. I’m going to be OK. I’m going to miss some things and learn somethings that hurt to know, but I’m going to be OK.