“I want to believe in more than you and me.” – Ingrid Michaelson
So, I currently live in a room with white walls, full of boxes and bags. So, the dog is confused and I cry every time my phone rings. So, I can’t sleep through the night alone. So, what?
There is something beautiful about seeing someone for the first time and feeling your heart become light. There is something beautiful about watching someone walk away with a light in their eyes like a caged animal who realizes the door has been left open. Yes, I really loved you. Yes, I was sure about you. Yes, I really, desperately wanted you to feel the same way. There is something lovely about hearing the truth after guessing for so long, even if the truth is “I can’t do this right now.” Even when the truest thing is that you don’t want me the way I want you. There is something deeply loving about letting me go.
I will always wish I had been able to reach you, through the people and things you wrapped yourself in so you didn’t have to feel. I will always wish I had felt like home to you, because today it feels like nothing else will ever feel like home to me.
I will only love you forever until my heart catches up with my mind, and then I will have loved you Once Upon a Time forever but move on to other things, to less bitter, aching things. I will learn to love myself again and stop waiting. In the place and time where we were something, just us, I will always love you more than the ocean or the stars or the air, but I can’t breathe you anymore. Maybe we’ll go on vacation there again sometime, if I have a layover or you feel really guilty or there’s nothing on TV, but I can’t stay curled up inside your heart any longer. You’ve changed the locks and I’ve changed my mind, and there’s nothing more to cry about because we’re already doing just fine. This is no place for a love story, but you are the ocean and the stars and the air somewhere with me in the rippling forever that was, Once Upon a Time.